Friday, September 16, 2011


6:30 am. Sunday morning. I'm probably one of 20 people up at Umass right now. Out of the other 20,000 who "went out hard last night", or whatever, they probably stumbled back into their dorm room 2 or 3 hours ago, and are fast asleep. I'm up because I have a job that requires me to get there at 7:30 in the morning. ON A SUNDAY. But a paycheck is a pay check, i suppose.
I lost my train of thought.....
oh right. Roll out of bed, take a quick shower. shuffle over to the sink and..... WHAT.... WHAT IS THAT!!!???!?
OH DEAR LORD! SHREDDED CHEESE AND...... CHEWED UP CRAYON?That is all I can really describe it as. When you're half awake like I was, certain things sometimes lose their magnitude. You're all tired and dont really care about what's going on. But what I saw that morning startled me into a state of awakeness that could not be compared to swallowing an entire bottle of no-doze caffine pills.
Honestly. An open letter to every male on the third story of Mellville low rise. STOP RUINING THE BATHROOM FOR EVERYONE ELSE WHO IS NORMAL!!!! The bathrooms are cleaned every day. Yes. EVERYDAY. And yet, there's always something disgusting, or something of mention in the bathroom. like, all the time. Just this morning there were sunflower seed shells in the shower stall I was using, Not really gross, but still, like, what the heck?
And this is not to discredit the cleaning crew. Believe me. Whatever Umass is paying them, it isn't enough. There was a cup, submerged in one of the toilets in such a way that, if someone flushed, all the fecal matter would be caught by the cup and never be flushed away. Someone has to remove the cup. I feel like the kid who put the cup in there should have to take it out with his teeth. Sounds like a fitting punishment, yes?
But that doesnt happen. There are two elderly Asian people, (a man and a woman) who are always cleaning up nasty stuff that goes on in there. I respect those 2 to the worlds end. I will probably get them Christmas presents. Yea, Im definately getting them Christmas presents.

I'm not even done yet. Let me give you a tour of the men's room. You enter. To your right there are 2 shower stalls. and one bathtub/shower stall. The bathtub, you'd think, would be a nice amenity, right? Well the first day wer moved in, there was a floor meeting, and the RA said, "guys, please dont use the bathtub to throw up in." And there marks the moment when there was official only 2 showers I could use. The showers are actually the least gross part of the bathroom to me. Something about the constant use of soap makes it feel a little safer. That's not to say, when i dropped my bar of soap, I didn't have a minor melt down right there in the bath room stall. Yea, i've dropped my soap. Twice. And it's not a good thing. It makes you feel sad.
Let's move on. Next we have the sinks. Ahh the sinks. Have you ever notice that you wont use a sink based on what the inside of the sink looks like? For instance, I never use the sink that has all the beard trimmings sitting in the bottom of it. Like, it's not like the guy shaving shoved his facial hair into the faucet of the sink, but I still cant help but feel hesitant when using a sink like that. One of the most fun parts of the sink is playing the game "where can i put down my tube of tooth paste that isn't flooded with water?". Undoubtabley, it is just water. but something about the way it's sitting on the counter, all messy. Very unwholesome.
But now it's time to get to the real dirt. The toilets. I'll try not to get too graphic. You probably already know how bad this is gonna be. Urine. everywhere. Like, all the time. I feel like i should expect it friday and saturday night. but like ,3 in the afternoon on a tuesday? WHY? One of the doors dont shut (unless you know the secret (which i do)), so that toilet gets pretty low usage, and thusly, is usually pretty clean. So I suppose there's a little bit of silver lining in this situation.
Before I finish, i'll tell you the worst story i've heard. I didnt see this, but my friend did. and i believe him. If you're squeemish or faint at the sight of blood, you might just want to stop reading here. But anyway. This story kinda goes along with the urine everywhere thing. My friend said he saw vomit in all three stalls. But the worst part was that it was the same vomit in all  3 stalls. Implying someone extremely drunk, can also be quite sinister and defile EVERY AVAILABLE TOILET.
Ahh gee, if you're still with me, I give you mad props *pounds it*
I geuss i should end here. This was a long one. I'll try to shorten them up a bit. But I just really had to get it all out of me. I mean, I've been here for 2 weeks. and I could write a pretty massive commentary on dorm bathrooms. That's saying something.

Dont stop cruzin
Tom Chadwick Markovitch

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